It’s around this time of year that gaming websites around the planet lose their collective minds and start speculating about what they will see at the annual E3 conference. Their hopes and expectations meld with their common sense, overpowering it with child-like whimsy and this leads to an influx of optimistic and entirely implausible tweets and Facebook status’!
Inevitably this leads to a case of severe disappointment and reactionary social media updates that declare E3 the “worst one yet”; because reality cannot match to the infinite power of the human imagination.
You’ll be glad to know dear reader that LuvvaLuvva Towers recently got an anti-hype extension and we are now above such petty speculation and hope mongering. We are now able to control and curb of fanboyism and imagination…
…in saying that we do have an E3 insider who has given us top-secret information about reveals and we are gonna share them with you – well not all of them, just the ones that have us excited more than ever for E3!
These are definitely happening!
Half-Life 3 (Steam OS)
Sure all the mainstream press are reporting that Valve are not making the journey to attend E3 this year. They have been duped! Of course they are, they’ve bamboozled the press and made fools of them all; but not us! Valve are there and they’ve brought HL 3 with them!
Our insider tells us that the direction of the game has changed slightly – the players are still Gordon Freeman but now he is the mayor of a combine settlement!
In Half-Life 3 you’ll have to help and befriend your citizens and help them “adjust” to life in your town. You can do this through many means although Valve are keen to push the “gift buying”, “fishing” and “home decorating” aspects of the game.
THIS IS ON TOP OF THE CROWBAR ACTION YOU ALREADY KNOW AND LOVE (opening city hall delivery crates is made even more immersive with the power of Vive)!!
Valve are calling HL3 the “perfect embodiment and realisation of the hugely popular and evergreen ‘Animal Crossing’ formula”. They are also to announce that it will form the cornerstone of their business strategy for the next ten years. There is also a detailed DLC plan but aside from hats and on-disc unlocks (that’s right its a physical release; ironically though the disc contains only a download link) they won’t be giving us too much information on it…yet!
It’s due for release with the Steam box launch in August.
Bungie ‘Destiny’ Announcement
Bungie are desperate to keep the ‘Destiny’ ball rolling with E3 and are to announce a new update entitled “the game we promised expansion”. The hope is that it’ll appeal to current, past and future fans of the game.
The improvement list is massive but we’ll detail a few of the things here for space:
- a story for the single player “campaign”
- compelling characters
- emergent game-play
- an increase of enemy types (from 3 – 4)
- an apology message
- the “fun variable”
- a match making system for all game modes
This is a daring move from the former ‘Halo’ developer and they hope that it will emphasize their commitment to making this game the best it possibly could be. They are confident that this “expansion” will revolutionise console gaming that they are also announcing the price of it at E3!
It will cost £49.95 for pre-order-ers and £59.99 for everyone else! The best news though is that it will be made available for pre-loading during the announcement! You can pre-load your Playstation 4 there and then but it will be locked until 2017 when it will release as ‘Destiny 2’.
Brilliant news for jaded fans of that game!
SEGA have also fooled us all! They’re going to E3 with only Total Warhammer, BULL HONKEY!
They are going to E3 with a massive announcement, you won’t believe this, but I assure you; our insider is not just something we made up for the purpose of this post!
First off SEGA are announcing their NEW console the ‘Project Cutlass’ and the tech specs:
- 7 trillion transistors
- A gazillion teraflops of RAM
- GPU powered by the Satan
- Ability to push INFINITY polygons
- Ability to connect the human soul directly into the internet via WiFi 2.0
They are packing a delicious cocktail of delicious launch titles to this party too, SEGA are keen to reflect their heritage, while bringing gamers into the future of home entertainment, this list reflects that desire to succeed more than my words can, that’s for sure:
- Sonic Adventure HD Collection
- Trickstyle 2
- Pen Pen Tri-Ice-alon 2
- Power Stone HD collection
- Streets of Rage 4
- Virtua Fighter 6
- Shenmue HD Collection
They are also welcoming back Yu Suzuki who will drop his megaton announcement and win E3 for SEGA. He has a budget of $200,000,000 and is currently making Shenmue 3 exclusively for the Cutlass. He is creating the “Greatest game ever made” and has promised eyes that have fully functioning retinas on every character!
SEGA will close their (totally unsanctioned) press conference (seriously the plan is that they will go on stage dressed as cleaners and unleash a sizzle reel before revealing their true selves) by announcing that they have saved YOUR favourite closed developer and that they are currently working on that sequel YOU have been praying for!!
When all this happens remember where you read it first!
Don’t forget to share your thoughts on any of these revelations in the comment section below!