David Moyes’s Video Game C.V.

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At 8:30 a.m,  April 22nd, 2014 the news that David Moyes has been sacked by Manchester United broke. Universal tears followed; by fans of every other club in the Premier League. MrLuvvaLuvva thought it only fitting to take a look at Mr Moyes’ C.V. in videogames.

You’d be shocked at things he’s had an arm in, to make matters worse we have photographic evidence of his deeds.

1) Ruler of Rapture – December 31st 1959

rapture wrecked copy

That’s right guys, he was in charge of Rapture on the day the underwater city met its demise. Sources suggest that Mr Moyes told everyone to party like it was 1899; and to indulge in copious amounts of Plasmids and never worry about tomorrow.

Reports of him following his rousing speech with a speculative £45,000,000 bid for Leighton Baines have; as yet, been unconfirmed.

2) Mario’s Intel on the where-a-bouts of Princess Peach

Mario Intel

Not many know this but David Moyes’ first job in show business was helping an Italian plumber locate his ‘Princess’. As Mario’s intelligence officer Moyes prided himself in setting up scouting parties throughout the Mushroom kingdom.

The very same scouting parties he used in the £27,500,000 signing of Belgian Midfield genius Marouane Fellaini!

In a ‘tell all’ interview Mario stated that ‘Moysey’ repeatedly told him;

“She’s definitely in the castle in world 1. My boys saw her enter there with that Robotnik guy. My boys are never wrong”

Mario never did tell him, he’d never heard of any ‘Robotnik’.

3) Adviser for the move-set of ‘Seth’ in Street Fighter IV

Seth OP 

During a summer stint with Capcom, Moyes somehow got himself into a meeting regarding how Street Fighter IV’s final boss should fight.

In a heated debate with Tsukamoto, Moyes apparently stated that;

“Seth is so f**king important, especially with M Bison out. He had a couple of sh**ty moves, this is enough! Your final bosses have always been shit! My boss can kill players in one move”

Tsukamoto agreed; but only because he “cannot understand a word that Glaswegian tw@t says”

Moyes also confronted Fukasawa with the idea of adding ‘When the blues go marching in’ into the games score. Fukasawa saw sense and reportedly gave Moyes a ‘Glasgow kiss’.

4) He created ‘Shadow the Hedgehog’ and the ‘Werehog’

Shadow-the-hedgehog-856 copy

When Moyes first signed with SEGA, he was a lowly tea-boy. However he saw his opportunity to join the ailing ‘Sonic Team’ shortly after Sonic Adventure 2 DX on Gamecube.

Leading his fellow tea-boys on; what is now being called the ‘Inglorious-coup’, he seized control of Sonic from Yuji Naka (reports on Moyes referring to him as Yuji Hacka – have yet to be confirmed).

In a tactical masterstroke; the likes of which his managerial career is famed for, David Moyes knew what was need to rejuvenate Sonic the Hedgehog; first was a ‘cool’ new lead!

“There is nothing cooler than guns; except guns being wielded by a dark character” said Moyes to a SEGA board in dire need of good news. “If this doesn’t sell, i have an idea…” The Mystery was enough to get Moyes a 6 year contract at SEGA. Unfortunately he lasted a mere 10months.

There is however one job that Moyes’ will not be adding to his C.V. anytime soon….


Good luck with the job hunt Moyes…




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